六: "Blinding Pride"

SOOC: 85mm @ f/1.4, 1/100th & ISO100

"Kelsey Gordon Powell; on the set of 'The Staple.'"

Today was certainly a day of ups and downs. After cinema class today, I helped a friend and aspiring director, Kirill shoot his short film, "The Staple." Kelsey, a theater student [pictured above], was our talent for the day. Having not really worked with that many other young creatives before, this was a foreign but certainly beneficial experience. 

As some of you know, The Arthur offered me a position as their staff photographer yesterday. After a quick meal with the gents, I headed back to school to meet the rest of the team for my first story meeting. The team was friendly, humorous and welcoming. I proudly signed the papers and went home.

I got home and opened up my Trent email. To my utter dismay, I read that the Trent Annual regrets to inform me that I am not what their company is looking for. Instead, they offered me a correspondent position, where I am paid by the picture. 

Hold up. I didn't get the position? 

It took me a while to accept this. Who? How? Why? How is this possible? With my talent, gear, experience, resume, portfolio, and what I thought was an excellent interview, how was I not hired? Thoughts of that nature screamed across my head (correction, are still screaming). They snubbed me? Me!? Andrew Tan!? Then amidst the ashes of my contemplative rage a few points arose.

1. That it was again my pride that is the foundation of my objective reality. And it is the shattering of that illusion that ultimately gives birth to the frustration and anger that I am feeling. Then again, is it wrong for me to expect greatness for myself? My ego is a large one and I can't stop rationalizing the scenario. Are there really two other individuals who applied that are simply better then me? (and again the question keeps arising.. perhaps there is, but, are they really?) Why is that so hard to take in? It seems my colossal ego and the objective reality that results is once again my downfall.

2. I am reminded that in life, there are many things that are not in my control. One must be ready to adapt and move on to survive, even though we may not have our questions answered. This sounds familiar enough, yet the same feelings of disappointment and hurt arise. And in my attempt to camouflage my insecurities, I look to external factors to account for the situation I am in. Point! Point! Point!

3. I am not used to hearing, "no." Too often in life, I have had things my way. I have lived comfortably. Because of sheltered living, loving parents, a comfortable middle class life, not pushing my boundaries, the illusion of invincibility and perhaps a multitude of other factors, I am just not used to not having things go the way I want them to. Chase Jarvis quotes Mario Andretti who says "if everything feels under control, you're just not driving fast enough." If we [creatives] are not used to hearing no, we're not putting our work out there enough and are not pushing personal boundaries.

4. I clearly do not trust God enough. As my Mum says, we [our family] have often seen in retrospect how God has something even better for us when a door is shut (in our faces). History being a good reminder. This is definitely an indicator that I do not have it imprinted in my brain; that I am not fully convicted to the notion that God is ultimately in control. If not, why this despair? My faith is like a withering plant.

5. I have grown. No, of course I am not happy. Yes, I am certainly a sour puss. My wallet, my portfolio opportunities and certainly my ego, just took a hit. But, I can not imagine how much worst I would've taken this, in the vulnerable state I was in a year ago. Where the walls were up, the guns loaded, and I was ready to shoot anything that moved.

I apologize. Most of you might not even read till this far. But here is how I will end it. Cliché sounding as it is, I refuse to be defeated. In Chase Jarvis post about getting used to hearing "no", he states a few things "no" does. No filters out the uncommitted. It reminds us that this isn't for everyone. It serves as a motivator. And ultimately, it makes us better artists.

I will need some time to pick myself up, but count on me returning more educated and more hungry then before. I am undoubtedly unsettled and in need of answers, and a culprit, but I think I just have enough in me to continue to live life.

五: HIRED + Man in a hat

85mm @ f/2.8, 1/50th & ISO100

What? It's a man in a hat. 

Also, I'd just like it to be on record that Traill college is a lovely, lovely place to be in, study in and photograph.

OH. And I was offered the photographer position at The Arthur today. Meeting the team and signing papers tomorrow.

Awwwyeahhh. I am ecstatic. Moolah for  doing what I love (taking pictures and interacting with people).


Oh, boy!

四: Party Rock Girl

85mm @ f/2.8, 1/800th and ISO100

 Sometimes images just come to you. Holy heck! It's the guy kick-ass-Ninja-Turtles-shell-bag from the Party Rock Anthem video!

And just in case you forgot what I am referring to. Here's a screenshot of it from the actual music video.

Awwwwwwyeahhhhhh! 

How sweet is that!

Tomorrow will be the real test of commitment when school actually commences again and I have to find the time to squeeze in roughly an hour (walking around, shooting, editing and uploading) in to my seemingly hectic schedule. Hoping for the best!

三: That sounds familiar?

85mm @ f/2, 1/80th & ISO200

I made reference to him in my post about Tallinn yesterday. This is Muhammad Saifullah Fudzail, in the comfort of his new home.

Another reason to go to Toronto!

Tallinn. Tallinn? Tallinn!

As some of you know over the summer of 2011, I interned at 3nity Design for about 6 weeks. 

I spent the majority of that six weeks creating 5 short documentary-like "films" for an ongoing project/art show called MAN+GOD. The first stop was Tallinn and depending on how well it did, it might continue traveling to other locations in Europe. In the relation to what was being exhibited and presented at the art show my contributions were minimal. Still to be able to have my work stand side by side with true work of art and to have it travel half way across the world is truly a mind blowing thought! I could not have possibly imagined such an opportunity coming my way. What more at 19. No, I have never been one for modesty but am I proud! I can only dream that this will hopefully be a life I might lead in the future.

Today I  got an email from my boss, Joe saying that the festival went well, and my contributions got a fair bit of attention and that the French Muslim community were touched by it's production. Sure, he may be saying that just to give me an attaboy, but still to hear it went positively is so exciting. Better still, he says that my work will get to go to the UK and encouraged me to make even more short clips documenting prayer. The UK! The UK! Wow! I actually know people there that can, and I hope will actually see my work as part of an art show. I can not describe to you the excitement I am feeling. 

Here are a few images from Tallinn.

This was the space where my films were shown. That's Saifullah Muhammad on screen!

Here's a screenshot of him just so you're sure.

And here are a few more images from the MAN+GOD exhibition in Tallinn.

Prayers.

This is Joe, my boss.

One of many Russian doll exhibits. This I believe was a new addition.

The wonderful team that made it all happen.

Next stop, the United Kingdom! Now are there any practicing Jews that'd like to be part of this amazing project?

n.b. You guys probably will not read this, but I really want to thank everyone who was willing to lend me a hand in making my contributions possible. Especially my brilliant and genuine subjects, Saifullah Muhammad, Augustin Mok, Alison Khong, Shailen, and Karamdeep Singh.

Photocredit: Marek Nolvak

二: Freckles

85mm @ f/1.4, 1/1000th and ISO100

The subject. The biting of the lips. The way the sun hits her. The freckles. Yes. 

Yes.

Freckles. A cluster of concentrated melanin, so says Wikipedia. I think they are absolutely beautiful. I am not entirely sure why. Maybe it's because most people back home don't have complexion fair enough that they develop. Or maybe it's because they're usually found on people at their prepubertal stages of life. Whatever it may be, beauty marks, they most definitely are.

 So there are bound to be days like this one (an image and not much more). Probably many, in fact. To be able to maintain that consistency with uploading picture. 

It's a shame. I've forgotten her name. Maybe someone can identify her?

Reza is finally in Toronto!

Story Telling

This is Apricot a short film by Ben Briand (watch it on Vimeo here). 

Contrary to what I learn in my theory of cinema class--that image is the most important element of a film followed by sound and everything else is of minimal importance, I want the ability to tell a story like that some day. There are many examples of good story tellers, this is just one of them. I need not tell many of you that Yasmin Ahmad was one of the greatest story tellers Malaysia has ever seen. 

Now what differentiates them, from us.

Being a personal friend of hers, my boss over the summer and the Creative Director of 3nity Design, Joe Foo, tried to account for her brilliance and exceptional ability with a list of ingredients. He said 4 elements were required for successful content creation (a layered approach to art and communication).

1. A colourful life.
2. A certain sharpness when it came to observing life.
3. A different way of thinking.
4. Courage in the presence of fear.

.. he went on to say that skill is easily obtainable, but what is truly invaluable, is experience.

Sure it may not be as simple as that, but I think that's a good place to start. I am going to leave it at that because it's currently 1AM and I want to have some ice-cream. Till tomorrow.

一: Leading a visual life (fo laif?)

85mm @ f/1.4 & 1/800th & ISO100

"Here's Mitchell. He was in my spirit group during ISW. An exciting young man he is and a good friend he could potentially become. He moved in to Dan's room back in E4, very coincidental.

Seems to be pretty decent with that 6-stringed instrument he lugs around. He might very likely score my next short film."

(taken from Facebook)

I believe my current readership now extends to two real people! Hoorah!

So, in my attempt to:
1. Have regular updates
2. Get my work out there more with (1)
3. Improve my trait
4. Lead a visual life

.. I plan to take at least a photo a day and put it up on here, my Facebook page, my Twitter page and perhaps in time a new Flickr page.

A visual life, creative living, expressing yourself.. whatever you may want to call it, seems to be essential to being a creative. An "artist's" relation to art/creativity is believed to be something lived out, in it's entirety. It shouldn't just take up a portion of your life, like a switch you can flick on and off, I think it ought to be evident and visible in all areas of life. That evidently is not a very simple task. The average 21st century kid is overwhelmed with things to do or accomplish.

As a realistic compromise, I think that I will take maybe an hour out of my day to walk around, live life visually, capture and image and share it with the world. I think that's a healthy practice to adopt as a hopeful visual artist of the future. I suspect a high degree of discipline and commitment will be required. Perhaps this will be a good indicator of whether I ought to be doing this in the first place.

365 projects are extremely popular with photographers. But if this is something that I am going to live with, how will I ever justify stopping? Project entirelifespanfromthispointonwards? My father has wrote an e-commentary (almost without fail), every week for the past 11 years. He loves writing and will keep doing what he loves. I hope I too truly love image making, as an ends to itself.

Today is the 22nd of September and this is day one.