十: Women of The World I

85mm @ f/4, 1/250th & ISO400.

This is Lalaine (if my memory serves me right). Here she is practicing a form of Tai Chi sword form in front of Del Crary Park. After a quick chat a few pictures of her practicing, she bows as a gesture of gratitude.

Too little time, too much to talk about. 

In an attempt to rationalize my short comings, I'd like to point out that it isn't the case that I have not been shooting. Rather, that I have not been processing and uploading (which is equally as horrible). 

In short, I had a creatively fruitful day. Negotiating prices for my next event job, was invited to a join a photography network in Peterborough city, might have a sit down with the New Canadian Centre for video work, got my next assignment for Arthur, was finally published and shot a short vid of Matt Lamers signing in the streets.

Wow, how does a kid find time to brood over his ever-present loneliness in this day and age?

More details tomorrow!

九: Paying Your Dues

18mm @ f/4.0, 1.3'' & ISO100

I believe in life, most of us have to pay our dues to get to where we want to. I suppose I too can't escape doing the necessary  putting one's pride aside at hopes of eventually being victorious.

My favourite from the night.

n.b. Picture taken at The 2nd Floor Lounge and Patio, Peterborough, ON.

八: The Body's Betrayal

85mm @ f/2, 1/160th & ISO200

Here's a picture of my neighbour in her painting gear. 

Yesterday the world was shocked by the news of the death of one of the greatest creative minds of our age, Steve Jobs. It is times like these that one is reminded of how temporary life is and that ultimately how one's physical body will betray them by ceasing to function. 

In Jobs' famous Stanford Commencement speech he speaks about death being the best motivator in life. To get things done, to filter our the unnecessary and to be our best. Yet, to think about it, there are numerous decisions in life that we are now conditioned to make or are now made acceptable, that ultimately spawn from our seemingly foolish attempt to stop or prolong our inevitable end. Choosing (or not choosing) to eat food not because of their taste. Instead, because their "health benefits". Or slaving away at the gym to "keep fit" instead of say doing something else that could be potentially more enjoyable. Or splashing out thousands on supplements, vitamins and nutritional products that are suppose to be good for the body and will keep us going. Or people who are experimenting and exploring the possibilities of cryonics in an attempt to preserve human life. Those are a few examples I could think off.

Is it wise to attempt to escape or postpone death if we know that it is.. one, absolutely, without a doubt, a hundred percent inevitable and two, out of our control?

六: "Blinding Pride"

SOOC: 85mm @ f/1.4, 1/100th & ISO100

"Kelsey Gordon Powell; on the set of 'The Staple.'"

Today was certainly a day of ups and downs. After cinema class today, I helped a friend and aspiring director, Kirill shoot his short film, "The Staple." Kelsey, a theater student [pictured above], was our talent for the day. Having not really worked with that many other young creatives before, this was a foreign but certainly beneficial experience. 

As some of you know, The Arthur offered me a position as their staff photographer yesterday. After a quick meal with the gents, I headed back to school to meet the rest of the team for my first story meeting. The team was friendly, humorous and welcoming. I proudly signed the papers and went home.

I got home and opened up my Trent email. To my utter dismay, I read that the Trent Annual regrets to inform me that I am not what their company is looking for. Instead, they offered me a correspondent position, where I am paid by the picture. 

Hold up. I didn't get the position? 

It took me a while to accept this. Who? How? Why? How is this possible? With my talent, gear, experience, resume, portfolio, and what I thought was an excellent interview, how was I not hired? Thoughts of that nature screamed across my head (correction, are still screaming). They snubbed me? Me!? Andrew Tan!? Then amidst the ashes of my contemplative rage a few points arose.

1. That it was again my pride that is the foundation of my objective reality. And it is the shattering of that illusion that ultimately gives birth to the frustration and anger that I am feeling. Then again, is it wrong for me to expect greatness for myself? My ego is a large one and I can't stop rationalizing the scenario. Are there really two other individuals who applied that are simply better then me? (and again the question keeps arising.. perhaps there is, but, are they really?) Why is that so hard to take in? It seems my colossal ego and the objective reality that results is once again my downfall.

2. I am reminded that in life, there are many things that are not in my control. One must be ready to adapt and move on to survive, even though we may not have our questions answered. This sounds familiar enough, yet the same feelings of disappointment and hurt arise. And in my attempt to camouflage my insecurities, I look to external factors to account for the situation I am in. Point! Point! Point!

3. I am not used to hearing, "no." Too often in life, I have had things my way. I have lived comfortably. Because of sheltered living, loving parents, a comfortable middle class life, not pushing my boundaries, the illusion of invincibility and perhaps a multitude of other factors, I am just not used to not having things go the way I want them to. Chase Jarvis quotes Mario Andretti who says "if everything feels under control, you're just not driving fast enough." If we [creatives] are not used to hearing no, we're not putting our work out there enough and are not pushing personal boundaries.

4. I clearly do not trust God enough. As my Mum says, we [our family] have often seen in retrospect how God has something even better for us when a door is shut (in our faces). History being a good reminder. This is definitely an indicator that I do not have it imprinted in my brain; that I am not fully convicted to the notion that God is ultimately in control. If not, why this despair? My faith is like a withering plant.

5. I have grown. No, of course I am not happy. Yes, I am certainly a sour puss. My wallet, my portfolio opportunities and certainly my ego, just took a hit. But, I can not imagine how much worst I would've taken this, in the vulnerable state I was in a year ago. Where the walls were up, the guns loaded, and I was ready to shoot anything that moved.

I apologize. Most of you might not even read till this far. But here is how I will end it. Cliché sounding as it is, I refuse to be defeated. In Chase Jarvis post about getting used to hearing "no", he states a few things "no" does. No filters out the uncommitted. It reminds us that this isn't for everyone. It serves as a motivator. And ultimately, it makes us better artists.

I will need some time to pick myself up, but count on me returning more educated and more hungry then before. I am undoubtedly unsettled and in need of answers, and a culprit, but I think I just have enough in me to continue to live life.

Tallinn. Tallinn? Tallinn!

As some of you know over the summer of 2011, I interned at 3nity Design for about 6 weeks. 

I spent the majority of that six weeks creating 5 short documentary-like "films" for an ongoing project/art show called MAN+GOD. The first stop was Tallinn and depending on how well it did, it might continue traveling to other locations in Europe. In the relation to what was being exhibited and presented at the art show my contributions were minimal. Still to be able to have my work stand side by side with true work of art and to have it travel half way across the world is truly a mind blowing thought! I could not have possibly imagined such an opportunity coming my way. What more at 19. No, I have never been one for modesty but am I proud! I can only dream that this will hopefully be a life I might lead in the future.

Today I  got an email from my boss, Joe saying that the festival went well, and my contributions got a fair bit of attention and that the French Muslim community were touched by it's production. Sure, he may be saying that just to give me an attaboy, but still to hear it went positively is so exciting. Better still, he says that my work will get to go to the UK and encouraged me to make even more short clips documenting prayer. The UK! The UK! Wow! I actually know people there that can, and I hope will actually see my work as part of an art show. I can not describe to you the excitement I am feeling. 

Here are a few images from Tallinn.

This was the space where my films were shown. That's Saifullah Muhammad on screen!

Here's a screenshot of him just so you're sure.

And here are a few more images from the MAN+GOD exhibition in Tallinn.

Prayers.

This is Joe, my boss.

One of many Russian doll exhibits. This I believe was a new addition.

The wonderful team that made it all happen.

Next stop, the United Kingdom! Now are there any practicing Jews that'd like to be part of this amazing project?

n.b. You guys probably will not read this, but I really want to thank everyone who was willing to lend me a hand in making my contributions possible. Especially my brilliant and genuine subjects, Saifullah Muhammad, Augustin Mok, Alison Khong, Shailen, and Karamdeep Singh.

Photocredit: Marek Nolvak